April 12, 1994

"You say my smile is like a summer day, but what if tears begin to fall, if things get bad will you be on your way, will you be here when I need you most of all."
                                                                 David Buskin - When I Need You Most Of All

For the past few days I've been feeling pretty good, thanks to some Valium and the desire and determination to enjoy myself rather than mourning in the misery of memories. But when I woke up this morning I was caught within the chocking clutches of sadness and loneliness.  And when I looked into the mirror I saw the hollow and haunting face of death - my flesh was gone and staring back at me was a stark skull, my body exposed exposed bones and ribs.  It was frightening but mesmerizing, a glance into my grave and a glimpse of its ghost.

What troubles me, even more, is that Maggie will never know the pain that she has caused me nor the suffering I'm enduring almost daily. But then, I'll never know the pain I caused her nor the pain I caused Mimi and Mary. The distance that now separates us is far greater than the miles, for it is the remoteness of our hearts.

There is a huge difference between being a loner and being lonely. But for far too long I've been both. I've had the misfortune of being a loner my entire life. From the age of five when I went off to school  to Saint Gregory's in Boston, I have gradually withdrawn and have grown deeper within myself..

What I remember most about my first three years at Saint Gregory's, first grade through  the third, was the fear the nuns instilled into me - particularly the fear of failure, because with failure came punishment. If you misspelled a word during the daily spelling bee, you had to write it out twenty-five times after school, if you wrote outside the lines in penmanship, a ruler smashed across your knuckles.  The physical bruises of that time healed long ago, but inside I'm still black and blue - because the fear of failure has been with me ever since, and this fear has caused me to take few risks in life. But so be it!

I am mentally exhausted and don't want to be in Ireland anymore. I want to go home but there is no home to go to. I miss Andy and Yoyo.  Tomorrow I'm going to the Woulfe's B&B in Bunratty, but before I do I'm going to stop at the airport and see if I can leave a week earlier.

One of the few things Mimi,Mary and Maggie had in common was that they each like the song, When I Need You Most Of All - particularly the version by Mary Travers of Peter, Paul and Mary. During the past few months it has become my favorite song. But what's ironic is that Mimi and Mary needed me most of all, I was nowhere to be found. And now that I am in need, Maggie is missing in action.

12:00pm   -   Dingle Library   -   Dingle, County Kerry, Ireland

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

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