April 16, 1994

"Man, unlike animals, has never learned that the sole purpose of life is to enjoy it."
                                                                             Samuel Butler

Yesterday afternoon I arrived in Donegal for the weekend. The White Gable Guest House was closed so I decided to splurge, to live it up and to enjoy at least three days of life - am staying at the Hyland Central Hotel which has the nicest and coziest pub in all of Ireland, the Olde Bar.  When I walked into my room the sun was shining through the windows and the room was comfortably warm. The room overlooks the Eske River and Donegal Bay and has a view of the ruins of the old Donegal Abbey.

This morning the sun shines and large, burly blackbirds are crowing from the tall trees that border the bay's banks. But I do not feel the sun's warmth nor share the blackbirds shrills of morning joy. I am tired of traveling alone, waking up alone and eating alone. I am tired of being by myself and I wasn't born to be alone.

Last night as I sat in the Olde Bar getting drunk, I found myself staring at almost every woman that walked in - I didn't have lust in my heart, I had loneliness in my heart and soul. Without love I am nothing, without its warm embrace I am empty and lost. Oh, to be touched by love one more time, fondly cherished by its faith and the assurance it offers - for a woman to tell me her kiss will make me better and I, enraptured by her hopes and charms, believing it so.

Now, if only a wish could make it real, but I know it never can. I am doomed to spend my last month alive with a broken and battered heart. Although I suffer alone, I know that between now and then, many hearts will be broken everywhere - every day and in every way. Such is the pain and strain of life and like me, most will suffer in vain.

I'm not sure if it was God's intention for us to enjoy life, but rather for us to endure it. But I know that life is worth living when it is enjoyed and not worth a damn when it becomes a trail of endurance. I never learned to enjoy life, only brief moments.  Maybe that's one of the reasons for my descentsion towards death.

10:00am   -   Hyland Central Hotel   -  Donegal Town, County Donegal, Ireland

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

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