April 19, 1994

"Listen my children and you shall hear, of the midnight ride of Paul Revere."
                                                              Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Some "H" words: hell, hearse, heartbroken, homeless, hollow, helpless, haunting, hopeless, haggard, homesick.

Today is Patriots Day, the anniversary of Paul Revere's famous ride, the battles of Lexington and Concord - the a farmer fired the shot heard around the world. A year ago today I was sitting at the bar in the Squire in Chatham and watched the Branch Dividian Compound in Waco, Texas, burn to the ground on CNN - may the innocent children who died that day be at peace. Now, I am in Ireland fighting my own battle, a rabid revolution that is ravaging and relentless.

My mind is a hurricane, wrecking havoc upon my mind and soul. Last night in O'Flaherty's Pub I overheard a young woman tell her boyfriend, "You're as sick as your secret." I could identify because I'm full of secrets. Some I've shared in this journal, others will die with me. The sickest is suicide and that will remain a secret until it happens, then it will be exposed for all to see and share.

John Lennon wrote, "The one thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside." But I have hid my mental anguish well, particularly from family and friends. At the present time, no one who knows me in America knows exactly where I am. Yet I have an overwhelming desire to escape and runaway and hide. I am five times zones away from Boston in one of the least populated areas not just in Ireland but in all of Western Europe, and it's not good enough, safe enough.

As desperate as I am for death's arrival, a small part of me longs to live and I don'y know why?Is it so I can find love again? To spare those who love me the pain of my death? I am not sure, but I do know that neither question holds the hope I need to continue living. I just hope for God's mercy and heaven's safe sanctuary.

My heart is hollow, happiness and hope elusive emotions that have escaped and evaporated. I feel homesick today and miss my cat and dog.

If Paul Revere was to come galloping down Connor Pass and ride through Dingle tonight, this is what he would be yelling, "Death is coming! Death is coming!"

11:30am   -   Saint Mary's Church   -   Dingle, County Kerry, Ireland

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com


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