April 21, 1994

"Bitter the tears that fall, but more bitter the tears that fall not."
                                      A Sign at the Blasket Island Museum

Yesterday afternoon I visited the Blasket Island Museum out on Slea Head near the village of Ballyferriter. The museum is a beautiful building sitting on a rocky plateau overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. Three sides of the museum are all windows, so as you view the various exhibits the sea is always visible. The museum displays the history and heritage of the island and tells the story of the hopes, hardship and hardiness of the people who once lived there.

Today I am sad and depressed, full of despair. The angel of death looms over me and I am covered by his dark shadow - and I can feel the breezes as he swings his log, sharp sickle above my head. I do not know how much longer I can hold onto the small sliver of life that remains. There are days when May 15th just seems too far away.

All my thoughts are now of death. I do not want to die a lonely old man with no one to pray for me - no one to bury me, no one to remember me. I look towards death as a way to find peace of mind and body.

I am emotionally and physically beaten and destroyed. I have cried and prayed myself out - drained of all tears and petitions. Some nights I sit alone in a pub drinking Guinness as if I was completely outside myself - languishing in a labyrinth, loathsome and lifeless. If I didn't have such horrible feelings, I would have no feelings at all.

I am at the rest area on top of Connor Pass. It is an impressive spot from which you can see Tralee Bay on one side of the mountain and Dingle harbor on the other side. And as far as the eye can see, the many shades of green of the Irish countryside, and the many shades of blue of the sea and sky.

The bitterness of my tears has silenced my spirit and has drowned my desires. I wonder if there has been anything these past four months that has caused Maggie to cry? Or does the bitterness hold back the tears?

2:00pm   -   Connor Pass   -  Dingle, County Kerry, Ireland

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

WHEN YOU KILL YOURSELF

When you kill yourself, this is what happens - you end your life and as you do you steal life from those that love you, destroy their dreams and devastate their lives of all hope. Their shattered souls and broken hearts will never heal, never mend. Your suicide will condemn them to a life sentence of endless nightmares. Their nights will be spent in a flood of tears, not until they fall asleep but until the sun rises - and a new day of sorrowful struggles and suffering begins, day after unending day. Your death will cause so much destructive damage to your family that it will be beyond repair. All will be ruin. They will remember the day you died every day in mournful misery, in sadness and sorrow, in hopelessness and helplessness - forever doomed to a life of agony and anguish. Their minds will ache in brutal pain as they abandon all hope of a peaceful life. Their lives will be spent wandering wearily, not knowing where they are or where they are going - because their life ended with
Read more

SUICIDE: THE STORM BEFORE THE CALM

  The storm! The storm usually begins with feelings of sadness, a lack of interest, being withdrawn, a sense of loneliness. In time these feelings deepen into depression and despair - overwhelming and painful mental anguish engulfed in helplessness and hopelessness. Thoughts of suicide - and as the storm rages, intensifies, suicide becomes the solution.  Family and friends are worried by the unusual and uncharacteristic behavior - what to do? But once suicide is decided, plans made, a day decided - peacefulness prevails, the storm passes, all is calm - a sense of normalcy returns, family and friends are relieved and relaxed. But it is at this time that family and friends should be more attentive, most vigilant - for it is in this calmness that death often arrives. Contact: fortheheartcries.blogspot.com
Read more

MOURNING FOR MY LIFE

  "I am in mourning for my life."  Anton Chekhov I mourn. Suicide has been part of my life since I was eleven years old. I have lost the two people I have loved the most in my life to suicide. I have lost childhood friends, classmates and neighbors. Suicide is a dark shadow from which I cannot escape - it may not always be visible but it is always there. As time passes. as I grow older, I have this fear - what I am most afraid of: that sometime in the future, I will wake up one morning and start a slow silent stroll towards suicide - or maybe I have been on that journey since I was eleven and don't even know it - as I am in mourning for my life. Contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com  
Read more