April 29, 1994

"The world is funny to those who think, tragic to those who feel."
                                                             Horace Wallace

Yesterday afternoon I came "home" to Chatham to get my mail and pay bills. I received my official divorce decree. I also got a notice from the town that my name has been removed from the voting list because I'm no longer a resident. Jesus, how low can the bitch go! Maggie must have gone down to the town hall and told them I moved.   But where did I move to?

There was also a package from Robin, a warm wonderful letter and a small booklet of inspirational poems. She has been one of the few bright spots in my life these past five months. In Ireland I bought her many small gifts, which I mailed this morning.

A week ago tonight I met Bridget at O'Flathery's Pub, it seems and feels as though it was months ago. In Ireland the weathermen on TV and on the radio use the phrase, "passing bright spots," to refer to periods of intermittent sunshine - as in, "it will be mostly cloudy today with a few passing bright spots."  Bridget was a passing bright spot and am grateful for her warming and shining rays - but I only wish they could have lasted a few days longer.

As I drove to Chatham yesterday and again this morning, I was overcome with the terrorizing feelings of fear and dread, as though I was living through an unseen catastrophe propelled by brutalizing forces seeking to drive me mad.

I think one of the underlying and subconscious reasons why I went to Florida and to Ireland was to have something to do and a place to stay - even though they were just motels and guest houses. By having such places to stay, I was, for that moment, not homeless but on vacation.  Ha! Ha! I am losing weight. From January to march I survived on pizza and hamburgers, in Ireland I lived on soup, ham and cheese sandwiches and fish and chips. It's no wonder I see my skeleton when I look into a mirror.

My life has become pathetically tragic, almost comic in its sadness. My internal suffering is intense. I realize that everything that happened to me throughout my life is part of  who I am today, and I'm responsible for almost everything to happen to me, even the divorce. But depression's dark demons have destroyed me on their own with no help from me - but were aided by Maggie's cold heartless meanness..

I'll never understand Maggie's intentional viciousness nor comprehend how she got so much pleasure out of hurting me. Cruelty is always wrong, regardless of how hard one tries to rationalize it into a right.  If the true test of humanity is how humane we are to each other, we both failed in various degrees, never realizing the repercussions of our words and actions.

A question: what if there was a law that allowed everyone over twenty-one years old, with full immunity, to kill one person during their lifetime - no ifs, ands or buts?  Would I still be alive? Would you?

12:00pm   -   Eldredge Library   -   Chatham, MA

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