April 9, 1994

"There are a few things I regret but nothing I need to forget, and for all the courage that we never had, I'm just about glad."
                                                         Elvis Costello   -   Just About Glad

For the past few days the BBC and RTE have been playing songs from the new Elvis Costello album, Brutal Youth. From the songs I've heard so far, I can identify with the words and their message. Some for the feelings I share and others for the feelings I wish I had.  If only I had a few regrets and nothing to forget, my life would have been entirely different - more enriching and rewarding with more time spent in the present than in the past.

There is some good news today, the sun is out and I feel much better, even somewhat rational. I'm divorced and I accept it, just as I accept the fact that I'll soon be dead. Although the way my mind has been functioning, I may write something completely different next week or even tomorrow.  A simple fact of my life: what happens to me is never what I expect - I've spent a lifetime always expecting one thing when something else happens.

I am at the most western point in Europe, Slea Head, Dingle Peninsula. Maggie and I used to spend hours here, staring out to sea, watching the waves and following the flight of terns as they dove  for fish. And on most afternoons we would go to the Dunquin Pottery Shop for apple tart and tea and then stop at the church in Ballyferriter on our way back to Dingle. Earlier this afternoon I visited the Gallarus Oratory and the ancient ruins of the Kilmalkedar Church. In what remains of the church's rear wall is a narrow window called the Eye of the Needle. Legend has it that if you can pass through the slit you are assured of going to heaven - I passed through twice just to be sure.

Late yesterday afternoon and early evening it snowed and hailed as howling winds whipped down from the mountains. For about three hours Dingle had the look and feel of an Alaskan village.

I spent last night at O'Flaherty's Pub drinking Smithwick's and talking to Fergus, the owner and resident musician. While there I met an English couple, Matthew and Ellen, who were on their honeymoon. We drank pint after pint and shared stories about England and America. I had a great time and maybe that's why I feel better today.

I realize this may be an absurd promise but for the rest of this trip, I'm gong to try not to indulge in my obsession about the divorce and my preoccupation with death. Instead, I'll try to focus on enjoying the pleasures of this country.  Will I succeed? Probably not!  But for today, at least, I'm just about glad.

3:30pm - Slea Head   -   Dingle, County Kerry, Ireland

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

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