May 7, 1994

"Regret is an odd emotion because it comes only upon reflection. Regret lacks immediacy, and so its power seldom influences events when it could do some good."
                                                                William O'Rourke   -  Idle Hands

Today is Mimi's birthday. I have though of her often during the past few months, many times with tears in my eyes. The genuineness and generosity of her love, caring and understanding were gifts I took for granted and oftentimes took advantage of - and never truly appreciated until now, fifteen years too late. She is a woman of decency and virtue who has a healing heart and a sincere spirit, a joy to behold. I allowed her to slip away while I was busily searching for all that she offered in someone else. In my search I found Maggie but her gifts came with empty promises and false bottoms.

What is most remarkable about my life is that few men have had any influence on my being, upbringing and education. From the time I was born through high school, women influenced me and taught me - my mother, aunt Clare, nana Frawley and the nuns at Saint Gregory's and Cardinal Spellman. Which probably explains why I have always felt more at ease being with and talking to women than to men.  Now, that I'm about to begin the last week of my life, all the women I've known are gone except my mom and aunt Clare. And neither one can give me the comfort I need.

I have wasted most of my life living in the past. It began with my grandfather's suicide and it intensified after Anne's suicide - all the while I've been weighed down by depression and despair that was always diversified in its dimension and difficulty. For the past few months the past has somewhat sheltered me from reality's harshness, but for the most part it has savaged me just as bitterly as Maggie has. With no future, the past and present have clamored for my attention and whichever why I've focused, there staring back at me have been the embittered and enlarged eyes of regret. Regret has impaled and impoverished my life because for far too long I've been either too mentally impaired or immobile to reason any other way. For me, reflection without regret has always been rare, probably because my life has been full of disappointment - for which I am mostly to blame.

I am grateful for the warm and loving memories I have of Mimi and our time together. She was someone special and I am saddened by the taunting thoughts of what might have been. On this her birthday, I wish her well and pray that shew is full of happiness, wherever love may find her, wherever love may find her.

1:00pm   -   Eldredge Library   -   Chatham, MA

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