Part I
A Recollection of Sunday May 15, 1994
I awoke in my motel room at the Bradford Inn at 6:00am. I felt refreshed and reborn - replenished in mind, body and soul. The frightening fears and anguishing anxieties that had overwhelmed me on Saturday afternoon had disappeared, vanished completely. Never was I more at peace, so full on inner harmony and tranquility. There was within me a sense of divine deliverance of rescue, relief and redemption. The duel demons of depression and despair were burdens of the past. The day before me held the precious promise of splendid salvation.
It was a most beautiful spring morning and I was well aware that my life would soon end - that it would be enclosed within the boundaries of the day's rising and setting of the sun. For the first time in months, if not years, I felt alive and looked forward to the day. It was truly a new morning, a new beginning. All my yesterdays were over my shoulder, the past gone and forgotten. There was only now, time present, just this minute - and I embraced it with a calmness never before experienced.
I shaved, brushed my teeth and took a shower. After drying off and combing my hair, I got dressed, making sure I put on not only a clean pair of underwear but a brand new pair, mindful of my mother's dire warning,"never be caught dead in dirty underwear."
At around 7:45am I left for the 8:00am Mass at Holy Redeemer. After Mass I went to Larry's PX, sat at the counter and had a cup of coffee. I then bought a medium black coffee to go and the Boston Sunday Globe and returned to my motel room. When I finished drinking my coffee and reading the newspaper, I went back to Ho;y Redeemer to write what was to be the final entry in my journal.
The church was empty. I have always found the stillness and solitude of an empty church soothing for my soul, and as I wrote in my journal I was content and composed. The words came easily - predetermined by a skillful spirit who had sought shelter with the sanctuary and waited for me to arrive - and then guided my pen from one word to the next.
When I finished I felt a strong sense of prideful accomplishment, not for the words I had just written but for the journal I had just completed. It was, for me at that moment, an achievement in fortitude, persistence and endurance - it was hard work, sad and painful. The journal was my life as I knew it to be - the final words had been written and there was nothing more to say. My journey had ended.
I then sat in the pew for a short while, neither praying nor thinking. I just rested quietly, soothed by the solitude and stillness. A few minutes after noontime I walked out of the church relaxed, fortified and fulfilled.
With what I considered the most important part of my day now over, I drove back to the Bradford Inn, parked my car and walked to the Squire. Once inside I sat at the bar with my friends Chris, Frank and Paul and over the next hour or so we drank, talked and laughed. After having six beers I said a cheerful and heartfelt goodbye - I had had a good time and felt upbeat as I walked back to my hotel room on a warm Sunday afternoon.
It was around 1:30/2:00pm when I entered my room and turned on the TV. I slowly drank two more beers - I then slowly drank a pint of vodka spiced with Bloody Mary mix.
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