WHEN YOU KILL YOURSELF

July 4, 1994

Independence Day

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

                                                                  Thomas Jefferson  -  Declaration of Independence

Another holiday with nothing to celebrate. Since Thanksgiving every holiday has been empty of all meaning, just another day on the calendar. Although a few minutes ago I did have a brief moment of happiness as I fed the ducks and geese a couple of loaves of bread. It has always amazed me how such a simple act can bring such abundant joy - it warms my heart and allows me a fleeting escape from my mental madness.

Our most wretched wounds, our most stinging scars and our deepest drudgeries are never visible, for they are hidden in our hearts. What is often visible in our eyes and on our faces is the pain we suffer. As John Lennon wrote, "The one thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside."

I do my best to hide my pain and suffering from my parents because they have been through enough with me, I have caused them enough unknown grief and worry. Sometimes I even try to hide my pain from my doctors, which is a foolish thing to do because I do want to get better, to live a life free of internal suffering. It is said that before you can feel joy, you must know sorrow. Sorrow I know, joy I await.

What pierces my heart with the greatest damage is when I see people walking their dogs or see a cat playing in someone's yard - such sights bring tears to my eyes. I know I shouldn't allow myself to get so emotional every time I see a dog or cat, but I can't help myself - I truly miss Andy and Yoyo. I am in need of their comfort and in need of their affection.

As I sit on this stonewall and watch the water flow pass the Grist Mill, I am wallowing in my own

private hell of worry, misery and loneliness. My mind is worn, my life is weak, my spirit is weary, am tired and timid to the bone. A thought: I wonder if Andy and Yoyo miss me, do they look up the courtyard waiting for me to come home, waiting for my comfort and affection?

I am still baffled and bitterly disappointed, discouraged and despondent over how I was treated by the men at Holy Redeemer - their blatant and beastly betrayal an act even Judas Iscariot would despise. I have come to see them as they probably have always been, fainthearted and phony friends - frauds, feeble and faithless. They are not hypocrites. They are traitors, traitors of their religion and betrayers

of their faith. They are cowards without principles. Oh, the aim of this sinner who can turn words into stones and then hurl them accuracy.

I am in awe of Jefferson's brilliance. He didn't write that we had an unalienable right to happiness, but rather we only had the right to pursuer it - which begs the question, how does on pursue happiness?  I'm sure there was a time when I could have answered that question but that time passed and the means and words forgotten.

On this Fourth of July I have life and liberty, although both are damaged and frail - there is no happiness within me nor do I seek it. What I need more than anything is hope, the magical and mysterious virtue of hope. And the questions I keep asking myself are: how can I pursue hope, how can I grasp it and cherish it, what do I have to do to have hope in my heart, hope in my life? For to have hope is to have a life worth living>

3:00pm   -   Shawme Pond   -   Sandwich, MA

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com