June 3, 1994
"Lord. help me! I need your help but don't know what help I need. Since death was not in Your plans, what plans do You have for me? Please help me and guide me."
My New Prayer
I have come to realize that I can no longer keep this journal on a daily basis. I have neither the desire, dedication nor determination that I once had - I just can't focus as I did in the past. When I decided to kill myself and started this journal, I had a defined goal and a strong sense of purpose - today I am lost. Although I have a willingness to get better and a need to maintain this journal, there is an emptiness within me that has left me clueless as to which direction I am heading - if I'm actually going anywhere at all. Now that I've failed in my suicide attempt, does my life have any importance or am I to just drift aimlessly alone with neither goals nor purpose?
I've had two meetings this week with my new psychologist, Doctor Daniels. I like him and have placed my faith in him. But what's been most important is that I've been able to be honest with him - even telling him that my mind is once again slowly slipping towards thoughts of suicide and death. He was not happy to hear those words but recognized the fact that for months I was consumed by such thoughts, and that it will take awhile for them to diminish. . He said that for now it is natural for me to have thoughts of suicide and death, but I should be aware of the danger in continuing to dwell on such thoughts.
What I didn't tell him was that I find comfort in dwelling on thoughts of suicide and death. These thoughts allow me to escape from the demons of depression and despair and from all the uncertainties in my life - they are my security blanket, my ace in the hole.
Before leaving his office a few hours ago, Doctor Daniels asked me if I was still going to AA? I told him that I had been to just one meeting and that AA was starting to bore me - and that I had a rule, bore me and you lose me. He laughed and asked if the rule applied to him as well? I laughed and told him I'll let him know when the time comes. He then encouraged to go to AA and I told him I would think about it.
What I really want to do is to rent a motel room for the weekend and get drunk - to drink and forget, three days of mental and physical oblivion. The only thing wrong with this idea is that I know once I sober up and my hangover recedes, everything will be just as it was - nothing will change.
Last night I went to the support group on suicide at the Samaritan's in Falmouth. There were eight people there including two facilitators - everyone had either lost a loved one to suicide or had attempted suicide.God, did it help me! It was the first time I was able to openly and freely discuss my suicidal thoughts, as well as the suicides of my grandfather and Anne. I also told them about my intense interest in suicide - that for the past twenty-five years I've read just about every book on suicide that has been written.
Joanne, one of the facilitators, said that my thoughts of suicide go back to my grandfather's death and were tragically enhanced by Anne's death. And that my captivation with books on suicide enslaved me with deeper and more troubling thoughts of suicide - until I became a person quite capable of killing myself. How true! How true! For decades I have been a slave to suicide, caught within its clutches, unable to free myself from the shock and horror of mt grandfather's and Anne's deaths.
When I left the meeting their was within me a small spark of hope, because I now had something to look forward - I had found a home at the Samaritans.
Three months ago tomorrow I left my home, never to return - leaving behind Maggie, Andy and Yoyo. During that time I've been to Florida, Ireland, in a coma and confined to a mental hospital. And as hard as I try not to, I find myself thinking as I did on the weekend of May 15th - thoughts of death and suicide.
I must add this phrase to my new prayer, "God, heal my mind, please heal my mind."
3:00pm - Sandwich Library - Sandwich, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
"Lord. help me! I need your help but don't know what help I need. Since death was not in Your plans, what plans do You have for me? Please help me and guide me."
My New Prayer
I have come to realize that I can no longer keep this journal on a daily basis. I have neither the desire, dedication nor determination that I once had - I just can't focus as I did in the past. When I decided to kill myself and started this journal, I had a defined goal and a strong sense of purpose - today I am lost. Although I have a willingness to get better and a need to maintain this journal, there is an emptiness within me that has left me clueless as to which direction I am heading - if I'm actually going anywhere at all. Now that I've failed in my suicide attempt, does my life have any importance or am I to just drift aimlessly alone with neither goals nor purpose?
I've had two meetings this week with my new psychologist, Doctor Daniels. I like him and have placed my faith in him. But what's been most important is that I've been able to be honest with him - even telling him that my mind is once again slowly slipping towards thoughts of suicide and death. He was not happy to hear those words but recognized the fact that for months I was consumed by such thoughts, and that it will take awhile for them to diminish. . He said that for now it is natural for me to have thoughts of suicide and death, but I should be aware of the danger in continuing to dwell on such thoughts.
What I didn't tell him was that I find comfort in dwelling on thoughts of suicide and death. These thoughts allow me to escape from the demons of depression and despair and from all the uncertainties in my life - they are my security blanket, my ace in the hole.
Before leaving his office a few hours ago, Doctor Daniels asked me if I was still going to AA? I told him that I had been to just one meeting and that AA was starting to bore me - and that I had a rule, bore me and you lose me. He laughed and asked if the rule applied to him as well? I laughed and told him I'll let him know when the time comes. He then encouraged to go to AA and I told him I would think about it.
What I really want to do is to rent a motel room for the weekend and get drunk - to drink and forget, three days of mental and physical oblivion. The only thing wrong with this idea is that I know once I sober up and my hangover recedes, everything will be just as it was - nothing will change.
Last night I went to the support group on suicide at the Samaritan's in Falmouth. There were eight people there including two facilitators - everyone had either lost a loved one to suicide or had attempted suicide.God, did it help me! It was the first time I was able to openly and freely discuss my suicidal thoughts, as well as the suicides of my grandfather and Anne. I also told them about my intense interest in suicide - that for the past twenty-five years I've read just about every book on suicide that has been written.
Joanne, one of the facilitators, said that my thoughts of suicide go back to my grandfather's death and were tragically enhanced by Anne's death. And that my captivation with books on suicide enslaved me with deeper and more troubling thoughts of suicide - until I became a person quite capable of killing myself. How true! How true! For decades I have been a slave to suicide, caught within its clutches, unable to free myself from the shock and horror of mt grandfather's and Anne's deaths.
When I left the meeting their was within me a small spark of hope, because I now had something to look forward - I had found a home at the Samaritans.
Three months ago tomorrow I left my home, never to return - leaving behind Maggie, Andy and Yoyo. During that time I've been to Florida, Ireland, in a coma and confined to a mental hospital. And as hard as I try not to, I find myself thinking as I did on the weekend of May 15th - thoughts of death and suicide.
I must add this phrase to my new prayer, "God, heal my mind, please heal my mind."
3:00pm - Sandwich Library - Sandwich, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
Comments
Post a Comment