May 26, 1994
"Because something is wrongly reasoned doesn't make it false in one's mind."
Sue Chance - Stronger Than Death
My doctors are concerned about me and have been sine I arrived here. What bothers them is not so much the fact that I attempted suicide but the meticulous plans and details that went into it. The fact that I stockpiled pills for over two years, went to a funeral home and a monument company and picked out a casket and a grave maker, plus filled out all the necessary paper work and made my funeral arrangements - are what disturbs my doctors most of all.
Thus, they are very concerned about what my plans are once I leave here tomorrow afternoon. For the past five days the one question that has been a constant thorn in my side is this - "What are your plans once you leave here?" Every single day I've been asked that question a dozen times by my doctors, nurses and social worker/case manger.
Until a few hours ago it was a question I couldn't answer, couldn't even lie about. I didn't expect to live beyond May 15th, so just being alive has been a difficult adjustment - let alone trying to formulate a daily plan to live by. If I knew I was going to live and if I had any plans, I would have written them down on the phony to do list I left on my motel room's bureau. Plans! My plans for after May 15th were simple - I was to be the guest of honor at a funeral and soon thereafter be buried. Those were my plans. But like those men and mice, my best laid plans went somewhat astray.
But now I have a plan, it's not much but at least it is a start. For a few hours this afternoon I worked my social worker/case manger, Barbara, and with her guidance and encouragement we came up with a brief plan - to get me started. I'll attend AA meetings, join the Men's Club at church and get involved with the Samaritans of Cape Cod. They have a support group for those who have been touched by suicide or who have lost a loved one to suicide.
Anyway, Barbara was pleased with the results, the plan, more so than I was - probably because organizing my aftercare plan is her responsibility. She told me that I would be seeing my outpatient psychologist, Doctor Daniels, every week for the next two or three months - and I would Doctor Silbret every other week for the next few months. After that the doctors will decide how often my appointments will be.
My meetings today with Doctor Kerr and Doctor Silbret were somewhat long but very beneficial. Doctor Kerr was very impressed with what I wrote about my grandfather and Anne. He said my identifying with William Stryon's description of incomplete mourning was a major breakthrough - and that I should spend time discussing this with Doctor Daniels. He told me you can't change what you don't acknowledge, and by acknowledging that I never truly mourned them, I could now do so.
Doctor Silbret seems to be more of a philosopher than a psychiatrist - a philosopher with a prescription pad, the ultimate philosopher's stone providing elixir of mind and mood modifying medications. He told me that when you can't change conditions around you and what happened to you, you must change yourself - that I must accept the fact that Maggie divorced me and no longer loves me. He said, "Life is full of ending and new beginnings. It is nature's way, life's way. You can only grow by coming to the end of something and by beginning something new. Sometimes these endings and new beginnings are painful but we must move on, move forward with your life. If not, you will be forever trapped in the past, a past without a future."
Once again, wise words, but words are easier said than followed, than lived. I read once that regret of the past and fear of the future are the robbers of the present, the thieves of time. I realize my regrets of the past have ruined my life. I must learn how to bury the past and with it the burdens of regret. When I leave here tomorrow it will most definitely be a new beginning, a second chance. How I'll do, I do not know. Are the odds with me or against me? It isn't time that will tell, it is me.
In the past my thoughts and actions were wrongly reasoned, but never once were they false in my mind - for I have always taken such thoughts as truth. Now I must learn to think and behave differently - rationally and wisely. If I succeed, I'll begin my life anew. If I fail, I'll repeat the events of May 15th.
7:30pm - Cape Psych Center - Hyannis, MA
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