August 15, 1994
Feast of the Assumption
"When I find myself in times of trouble mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."
John Lennon/Paul McCartney - Let It Be
Three months ago today, at this very moment, I was preparing to die - in my mind, death was imminent. But death escaped from my grasp and I found myself caught and entangled in the worsening web of reality, trapped in a nightmare. I have but one thought of that Sunday afternoon in May, if I am as peaceful on the day my death finally arrives as I was on May 15th, I will die a happy death.
Three months have passed, 92 days, and except when I'm sleeping, I haven't had a moment of peace since. I must admit there have been a few days when I felt better, when I felt optimistic that my life will improve. But those days were quickly followed by days of intense misery with my mind slowly slipping towards suicide. Suicide is my security blanket, my refuge in times of turmoil. But part of me realizes that suicide isn't the safe haven it once was, because there is within my heart the desire to shed my past and my problems - and one day begin life anew.
What bothers me most this day is that I'm having difficulty getting over the disappointment of being let down by my so-called friends at Holy Redeemer - how they ignored my pleas for help, how they started to avoid me whenever I was in their presences. Oh, how they fooled me! It has been said that if you can fake sincerity you can fake everything. Oh, how they fooled me and abandoned me. So slick in their sincerity, so false in their fakery. I'm sure there is no guilt on their consciences, no need for amends on their minds - for when one's heart is cold, one's soul has been sold.
My finances are a mangled mess. Last Thursday I went to Consumer Credit Counseling in Hyannis for some help, for some guidance. My assets a couple of thousand dollars in travelers checks and a few hundred dollars in cash. My debts well over $50,000.00, mostly on credit cards. When my counselor saw the figures he laughed and I joined him. When we stopped laughing he told me he couldn't help me, that my only course of action was bankruptcy. He gave me a list of local attorneys that could help me. And he suggested that I contact Welfare Assistance in Falmouth, that I might be eligible for certain benefits such as food stamps.
Sometime in the near future I will follow his advice and recommendations. I know that filing for bankruptcy will relieve me of a burden and responsibility that are beyond my capabilities and means. And with one less thing to worry about, my life just may improve accordingly. Food stamps! Who would have thought that I would reach such a bottom as to possibly qualify for food stamps? But I have and I know one thing, destitution has no pride.
At 8:00am this morning I left my parents cottage for my first day of summer camp - the aftercare program at the Cape Psych Center. My mother saw me off, just life my first day of school - although she didn't make me lunch and hand me my Hopalong Cassidy lunch box. But she did kiss me goodbye and encouraged me to get better. As I pulled out of the driveway she waved and blew me a kiss. I do want to get better and to heal my mother's heart.
I enjoyed my day at the aftercare program. I liked the other patients and the staff, counselors and coordinators were kind and helpful. Going gave me a sense of purpose and it now gives me something to look forward to each day - and that it will do me some good and just maybe improve my life.
On this the feast of Mother Mary, I pray that She will comfort me during my darkest hours, embrace me in Her arms and guide me with words of wisdom.
5:30pm - Shawme Pond - Sandwich, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
Comments
Post a Comment