August 20, 1994
"To be gifted but not to know how best to make use of one's gifts, to be highly ambitious but at the same time to feel unworthy, is a dangerous combination which can often end in mental breakdown or suicide."
W. H Auden
When I was in Ireland in April, I read the above quote in the newspaper and wrote it down in my small quote notebook. I can't remember the context in which it was written nor whether it was in an Irish paper or a British tabloid - but do remember that Auden's quote stopped me cold, for I am the person he is writing about.
Although I was never highly ambitious, I always had a deep desire to succeed in whatever I was doing. I never knew nor figured out how to best use my gifts and I've always been filled with a sense of unworthiness. I believe this combination coupled with my many personal loses of those I loved, led me down a lifelong pathetic path that dead ended with my mental breakdown and suicide attempt. It seems life's a bitch you just can't itch.
Life is never easy for those of us who dream, whose minds often escape the demands of life by disappearing into daydreams as we drift through life - for us, reality seldom holds the promise and peace of our imagination. Delusions and illusions are the perfect antidotes for a harsh and bitter reality - but all too often they quickly fade and leave us alone and afraid.
For me reality is everything in the world that isn't me, that I can't handle and am unable to face - that which must be avoided. Reality is suffering, anxiety, despair and fear, but in my fantasies and dreams I am free of this world for a short while, unencumbered by the darkness of life. I have always had the inability to cope with life as it is and have always sought refuge in a mental mirage.
My doctors keep warning me of the dangers of living my life this way and are trying to teach me to live in the present, that I must learn from the past but not live there, as I've been doing my entire life. This is not an easy transition but I am willing to learn even as I keep trying and failing.
At the Samaritans on Thursday night, a man who lost his son said, "You are the prime reason for almost everything that happens to you." Although it was a general statement, he was referring to his son who died from alcohol and drugs - the family unsure if it was deliberate or an accident, but the father believing it was suicide.
There is much truth in his words and for the past few days I've been thinking about what he said and how it applies to me. On and off for months I have often blamed Maggie for the divorce and everything that has happened to me - even though I know it isn't true. I think it is human nature to blame others for our misery and mistakes, for our follies and foolishness. From the time Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the serpent for their eating the apple, casting blame is one of the things we do best. I have known from the beginning that I was responsible for the divorce - but refused to admit the consequences of my actions by admitting it to myself.
All too often denial is a precious commodity that one is incapable of parting with - held and nurtured until it becomes, in one's mind, the truth. What denial I may have held onto has slipped away. During the three years leading up to the divorce, I slowly evolved into a cocoon of selfishness and self-centeredness, withdrawing and withering. It is said that one never sees love coming but always sees it going - well, I was blind and missed all the clues as it disappeared.
When I look back at my life it is full of what if's, what might have been, of love rejected and abandoned, of gifts wasted or rarely used, of desires to succeed stifled by unworthiness and low self-esteem. Such a life should be easy to leave behind but when one has lived constantly in the past, it becomes difficult to leave the familiar for that which is more challenging - even possibly more rewarding.
But I shall try, I shall try. And when the day comes when I'm more mentally stable, I will search and find my gifts and talents and succeed by using them to the best of my abilities - that is my goal. But is it a reality to which I truly aspire or is it just another dream I prefer to weave? I don't know, I truly don't know.
3:30pm - Sandwich Library - Sandwich, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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