August 7, 1994

"There's no such thing as a weird human being. It's just that some people require more understanding than others."
                                                      Tom Robbins  -  Another Roadside Attraction

It has been a week of news. First, I lost my job at Jack Conway, which can as no surprise since I've only worked one day since March - for three hours one day last month. Myrtle told me Jack didn't want me around the office because I wasn't good for business since I only sold one house in over a year. We both laughed and I left with no hard feelings. And miracle of miracles, I received a note from my jackass attorney. His exact words, "Maggie's mother broke her back on Memorial Day trying to move your bureau. Your remaining possessions will be moved to the storage area sometime in the future." That's it in its entirety! I didn't shed a tear over Deb's broken back and I bet I was blamed for it - that it was all my fault. Sweet justice, a broken back!

It has also been a week of sadness. For the first time in months I have missed Maggie - and I always miss Andy and Yoyo. What saddens me is that I have no one to love, no one to hold, no shoulder to cry on, no one to kiss goodnight, no one to embrace at dawn's early light. I have no one to share anything with, let alone my life, dreams and fears.

On the way to my appointment with Doctor Daniels on Thursday, I stopped at the MSPCA in Centerville to visit the cats and dogs - abandoned pets that are, like me, waiting in vain to be rescued, to be loved again. The steel cages cannot hide the sorrow in their eyes nor shield them from the tears in my eyes.  Although it is a depressing place, I am drawn there by my deep need for companionship,
the longing for the comfort that only a pet can offer. I go there to window shop, to dream - and I see their faces staring back at me as they plead for me to take them home.

When I met with Doctor Daniels I told him that what breaks my heart, what causes the most sadness and what I miss most of all are my cat and dog. He said that grief, whether over Maggie or Andy and Yoyo, is the pain we pay for love, and the time the grief will begin to fade, slowly but surely. And the time will come when I'll be ready to have a new puppy or kitten - and on that day I'll have hope, something to live for and a future that holds the promise of some happiness and joy.

Before my appointment was over, Doctor Daniels strongly suggested that I start attending the Psych Center's follow-up and aftercare program - which meets Monday to Friday from 9:00am -3:00pm. He said that it consists of various types of group and individual therapy as well as group activities - and that I should attend for six to eight. He added that I'm spending too much time alone which is neither healthy nor helpful - and that it is important that I add some structure to my life and adopt a more sensible, stable and substantive schedule. I agreed and accepted without asking any questions. So, next Monday morning I'm off to summer camp, daycare for the mentally ill.

How weird am I? How weird do I appear to my family and to those I come in contact with during the course of the day? How weird does Doctor Daniels think I am - and Doctor Silbret and the staff at the Psych Center? I can't answer those questions and to be truthful I don't care what the answers are. But what I know for certain is that Doctor Daniels accepts me as I am and understands me more than anyone I've ever met - and for that I am very grateful.

1:30pm   -   Cape Cod Canal   -   Sandwich, MA

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

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