December 23, 1994
"No problem is so big or so complicated that it can't be run away from."
Charles Schultz - Linus in Peanuts
It is Friday of Christmas weekend. And a wild Northeaster is raging outside. The sea is high and rough and the surf is pounding the shore, the wind howls and the cottage shakes and creaks. The rain belts and blasts the picture window and slider like buckshot. It it was snow instead of rain I would be stranded here for days - which would be a blessing in disguise since I would miss Christmas at my mother's. But it is just torrential rain and it is suppose to clear in the morning.
For most of my life I have ran away from problems, thinking that by avoiding them, they would disappear - often the more complicated the problem the faster I ran. I'm sure this was one of the many reasons why Maggie divorced me. Surviving my suicide attempt did not solve this problem - I still ran. But my father's death has forced me to stop and turn around - and confront my problems and acknowledge my weaknesses - and do what I can to solve my problems and improve myself.
Since getting the news a few months ago that Maggie and her mother, Deb, threw all my possessions away, I've been boiling inside - not constantly but like a volcano slowly billowing steam, there have been days when I could explode at any moment. There have been times when I didn't know who I was maddest at, Maggie and her mother or me. I wanted them to pay for what they did but didn't know how - until a few days ago.
Yesterday I mailed each of them an Express Mail package, inside was a Christmas gift - a gift wrapped box with ribbons and bows that contained a letter and a copy of the New Testament. In my letter I expressed my dismay and disappointment in their destructive actions and behavior towards me - and challenged them to respond as to why they were so mean and uncharitable and how could they destroy those possessions that didn't belong to them? I questioned their motives as well as their Christian and Catholic beliefs - and I asked them how they reconciled what they did to what they confess to believe in? I was even bold enough to tell them that what they did was sinful, even criminal, and that cruelty and evil are the devil's deed - and can never be justified.
And I told them that those who seek justification for their cruelty and evil ways are always condemned by their deeds. I also told them that in the New Testament they will find the words of Christ and Saint Paul - that they should read them and try to live them. In a P.S. I wrote these words from Thomas Paine, "Every religion is good that teaches man to be good. And I know none that instruct him to be bad." To which I added these words - so, what religion are you practicing?
I am aware of the Biblical warning, "Judge not least you should be judged." But I judge anyway and feel better for doing so - and accept the consequences.
They may laugh at my words, they may find my letter insulting or ingenuous - but I do not care. They may throw the New Testament away with disdain and disgust, they may ridicule me to their friends - but I do not care. The gifts I sent were not presents for them but Christmas gifts to myself - gifts of freedom. The letters have freed me from the malignant mental burdens and bitterness that they have inflicted upon my spirit and being - for far too long I have allowed my thoughts of them to hinder my recovery.
When I mailed their packages I liberated myself from their tenacious and trenchant tentacles. They no longer claw at my soul nor wreck havoc with my mind. I do not expect them to answer me because they are bloated bullies who can no longer harm me. I cannot say I will never think of them again. But I can say with certainty that they will no longer control my thoughts - nor will I ever write about them again.
My fondest memories of Christmas are those I spent with Mimi, that we shared with my family. They were glorious times, full of happiness, laughter and goodwill. Although those days are gone, the memories remain and they bring joy to my heart.
I pray that God protects this home from the violent storm that rages and roars outside.
5:15pm - My Parents Cottage - Sandwich, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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