July 15, 1994

"Men at forty learn to close softly the doors to rooms they will not be coming back to."
                                                            Donald Justice   -   Men At Forty

When it comes to learning from life's lessons, I have always been a slow learner, often repeating the same mistakes over and over again before I finally comprehend the need to do things differently. Although I am over forty, I am just beginning to realize the importance of closing doors to rooms I should no longer live in, no longer visit. With the help of the Samaritans and my doctors I have been identifying these rooms - they are within my mind and are confusing places, full of clutter and chaos. They are also dark and dangerous places, full of demons and death.

If I am to get better, I must leave these rooms, close and lock their doors and banish and bury the keys where they'll never be found> This is something I must do and it is in my best interest to do so. But I find it difficult to leave these rooms because they have become my refuge - even though I know they are full of false security.

Last week at Samaritans a woman who lost her daughter to suicide said, "suffering is usually inevitable, often inescapable, but misery is almost always optional." She was talking about what she has gone through since her daughter's death. For the past week I've been thinking about her words and how they apply to my life. The suffering I have gone through has been inevitable, inescapable, but the misery - oh, the misery! Misery has been all mine, all my doing - an imaginary cruel creature that I've come to believe in and embrace, something I couldn't live without.

Misery is one of the rooms I built and lived in, a room I must now leave behind. I must change! I must change my thinking and my behavior - if not, suicide looms. I must try to change the person I've become before even knowing the person I want to be. Who is the person within me that I want to become? That is the question, the big baffling question.

There are many rooms I must leave behind and there are many new rooms I must build. I will need courage and faith, above all, hope. I shall pray for these virtues and trust in God - trust that He hasn't softly closed His door on me and left me by myself - to die alone in a room full of misery.

1:30pm   -   Brooks Library   -   Harwich, MA

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