July 22, 1994

"It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly."
                        Anatole France   -   The Stone Book


Last night I left the Samaritans meeting renewed, revitalized - full of inspiration and hope. This morning I woke-up terrified of life, full of dread, doubts and discord. During the past week I've been on a wild, uncontrollable roller coaster ride of mental and emotional ups and downs - twist and turns. One day a faint flicker of hope begins to burn brighter. The next day a gruesome gale extinguishes its glow. A battle is brewing within me for my body and brain as I struggle to survive - as I'm simultaneously being seduced by suicide.

Ten weeks ago today I checked into the Bradford Inn for what was to be my final weekend on earth. Back then my life had order - my life had meaning and a purpose that were bound for death. I had a goal but failed. Now, my life is in disorder, absent of almost all direction. If only there was a way to escape from this madness, to once again be normal with a life of dreams and glorious expectations - instead of seeing life as but a simple steppingstone towards death.

I am languishing in loneliness, a loneliness so keen and deep that, at times, I'm full of throbbing terror. More and more often I am having mental blackouts, can't remember names of friends or even relatives. I can meet someone I know at the supermarket or Post Office and although I recognize their face, my mind goes blank and their names become unknown - suddenly I'm full of fear and anxiety, suffering a panic attack. Sometimes I find myself at the library or some other place and can't remember how I got there or even why I'm there. When I was in the hospital I remember Doctor Kerr telling my parents that I had a mild form of dementia and I laughed. Today this mental blankness isn't so funny.

I have decided that if I don't start feeling better, if I don't start seeing improvement in my life and if I continue to be absent of all hope with nothing to live for - then I will have no choice but to try to kill myself again, his time with greater certainty. The date I've chosen is the weekend of October 14th with D-Day Sunday October 16th - the fifth month mark of my previous attempt.

Am I thinking wisely but planning to act foolishly or am I thinking foolishly but planning to act wisely? I read once that man is the only animal that can plan rationally and act irrationally - and can weave irrational plans and believe he is acting rational.  In what realm are my plans and possible behavior? I do not know! All that I know is that within my mind confusion reigns and rains.

3:15pm   -   Sandwich Library   -   Sandwich, MA

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

WHEN YOU KILL YOURSELF

When you kill yourself, this is what happens - you end your life and as you do you steal life from those that love you, destroy their dreams and devastate their lives of all hope. Their shattered souls and broken hearts will never heal, never mend. Your suicide will condemn them to a life sentence of endless nightmares. Their nights will be spent in a flood of tears, not until they fall asleep but until the sun rises - and a new day of sorrowful struggles and suffering begins, day after unending day. Your death will cause so much destructive damage to your family that it will be beyond repair. All will be ruin. They will remember the day you died every day in mournful misery, in sadness and sorrow, in hopelessness and helplessness - forever doomed to a life of agony and anguish. Their minds will ache in brutal pain as they abandon all hope of a peaceful life. Their lives will be spent wandering wearily, not knowing where they are or where they are going - because their life ended with ...
Read more

THE PAIN OF DEPRESSION

  There are many reasons why our loved ones died by suicide, but mostly because of the pain they suffered. As William Styron wrote in Darkness Visible, "The pain of severe depression is quite unimaginable to those who have not suffered it, and it kills in many instances because its anguish can no longer be borne." Contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
Read more

REFLECTIONS: LOSING A LOVED ONE TO SUICIDE

When you lose a loved one to suicide, there are many questions but few answers. When you lose a loved one to suicide, the past is always in the present. We are told that time heals all wounds. But if you have lost a loved one to suicide, your wounds may fade but they never heal. Suicide ends a life and as it does, it steals life from the living. When you have lost a loved one to suicide, you often struggle forward with no place to go. A loved one who dies by suicide is so tragically heartbreaking, so soul shattering - that it is a death from which you never fully recover. When you have lost a loved one to suicide, sometimes the passage of time is your friend. Contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
Read more