October 12, 1994
Columbus Day

"You do not see your life having a happy ending."
               Doctor David Daniels - My Psychologist

Years ago this day was a holiday, a celebration of Columbus and the discovery of America - now it is celebrated the second Monday of the month. I wonder how many school kids know the historical significance of this date - probably very few. When I was a kid I used to spend this day playing football in my back yard and going to an afternoon movie. Now it is just another day of the week, just another date on the calendar.

I am grateful to have Doctor Daniels as my psychologist. He understand me and he can be remarkably insightful. A few hours ago as I whaled away about Maggie and my possessions and about all the misery and mayhem in my life, he stopped me cold when he said, "Tom. you do not see your life having a happy ending." I told him I wasn't thinking that far ahead, but given the past and present circumstances of my life, it appears unlikely. How can sad story, a sad life, have a happy ending?

I am lonely, sad and, at times, wish I was dead. The more I think about Maggie the more damaging the depression, the more agonizing the anguish. I must free myself from her hatred and my hatred towards her as well. To improve my life I must free myself from the embittered and entangled enigma that she has become.

For my own piece of mind, I am not going to sue or press charges against her, to do either would just create more suffering than satisfaction. Maggie's off the hook, but I must admit I would give my soul to the devil for the opportunity to drive a harpoon through her heart. Both Doctor Daniels and my attorney agree with this decision. Each, in their own way, recommended that I not pursue the matter, that it would do more harm than good - harm for me, not Maggie, by prolonging the turmoil the encompasses and encumbers my life.

Now, I must learn to live without everything that was once mine, learn to live with my mother's anger over this situation, learn to live with the fact that Maggie is a vicious and vindictive bitch - that she hates me and probably wished I died in May. But I cannot hate her, cannot hate her any longer - she is not worth the effort.

The latest issue of Life Magazine has a dog and cat on its cover. They remind me of Andy and Yoyo - and the love and comfort pets can bring to your life. I long for the day when I can get a kitten, a new Yoyo - a new companion and friend, someone to nourish and love.

Five months ago I checked into the Bradford Inn for what I thought would be my last days, my final weekend of life. But fate, God or luck intervened, a miracle happened and I was saved.  Was I spared to help my mother during these difficult times? Was I spared as punishment so that I would have to spend more time in this hell on earth that my life has become? To see my father die? To find out my possessions were thrown away and my small amount of personal treasures destroyed? Was death just too simple of  a solution, too easy of an escape? When will I stop being concerned with questions that have no answers?

Just before my appointment was over, Doctor Daniels said, "Make yourself necessary to someone."
He said that by making myself necessary to someone, I will start to love beyond myself and have something to live for - that by helping others and making myself necessary, I am helping myself.

I want to help myself, I want to get better. I want my life to be necessary not just to others but also to myself. I want to once again be able to embrace life and find joy in living. If I can somehow accomplish all of this, I will prove Doctor Daniels and myself wrong - for my life will have a happy ending.

8:00pm   -   Sandwich Library   -   Sandwich, MA

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