October 21, 1994

"In the face of uncertainty there is nothing wrong with hope."
                                                 Bernie Siegel

There is a popular phrase that states, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." I must begin my life again. I need to start my life over, move beyond the past and live peacefully in the present - while looking optimistically towards the future. For the past five months I've been struggling to survive, absent of hope, empty of love. During these times of difficulty, I have come to believe that hope and love are our most precious virtues- hope the sweet fragrance of life, love is life's mysterious and glamorous flower. There have been some days when hope has been in my heart and the luster of love has stirred my soul. But all to often these feelings are quickly extinguished, only to reappear a few days later. Is this a sign of gradual improvement? Is this a sign that I'm about to begin my life anew?

Yesterday my psychiatrist, Doctor Silbret, said that hope is difficult to kill, that hopes dies hard. He told me I should have faith - faith in myself, faith in my treatment and medications, faith in God. He added that with all I've gone through it takes real courage to have faith, real courage to seek hope. Before leaving he stressed the importance of learning to dream again. He said that dreams are what keep the young alive and the old young, so learn to dream again. Then with a soft, slight smile he said, "In dreams faith and hope are always abundant."

From my experiences during the past year I have learned that faith without hope is an empty promise that produces only inner misery. To have faith in God but no hope in His goodness is to be a shallow sinner who suffers silently in vain - and this I have done.

Almost two centuries ago Goethe wrote, "Only the soul that loves is happy." To which I must add, only in love is there hope. And that love can come in many forms - love of self, love of life, love of a woman, love of a family, the love of creating through crafts and hobbies, the simple love of being. Through love comes happiness and hope. I have learned that with love comes the deepest fears of dying - without love, whether real or imagined, there is no fear of dying.

The loss of love and the feelings of abandonment are a deadly combination that can often lead to self-destruction. I have followed such a perilous path, my brittle bones and being littered across the landscape. But now I must find a more promising path, one that leads to hope through the scenic surroundings of faith and hope.

I have finished the Psych Center's aftercare program. There was no graduation, no closing ceremonies, no diploma, no certificate of accomplishment - no group picture nor yearbook. The staff gave me a fond farewell and told me that I could come back any time I needed a mental and emotional tune-up. It was a good program and it gave some important structure to my life - a reason to get out of bed in the morning and something positive to do during the day.

Now more than ever is the time for hope, a hopefulness for a life worth living.

4:00pm   -   Hyannis Library   -   Hyannis, MA

contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

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