October 4, 1994
Feast of Saint Francis
"The essence of pure evil is to dress the Archangel of Satan in the white robes of goodness and mercy."
Robert Ludlum - The Scorpio Illusion
I am full of anger and hatred, inflamed rage and fury. I think for the first time in my life I could actually kill someone, commit cold blooded murder - and honestly believe God would look the other way and think I did the right thing, proper and justified. That's a fact! What a story that would make -
"Read all about it! Film at eleven!"
A few minutes ago Brian, my lawyer, called me. He said that he just heard from Rose, Maggie's attorney - and that all my remaining possessions were either thrown away or given away. Everything's gone! My bedroom set, bookcases, clothes, coats, furniture, books and writings - gone! A lifetime of mementos trashed, demolished and discarded to the dump! I can't believe it, am devastated! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! How in God's name can someone be so damn fucking mean - so deliberately, viciously and maliciously mean! The spark that was a kindling light of hope within me has been extinguished - PUFF!
I asked Brian what could I do, what recourse do I have? He told me I could sue and could possibly press criminal charges against her - wanton and willful destruction of property. Jesus, wouldn't that be something, to see Maggie being led into the Barnstable Court House in handcuffs with a coat over her head. The sight of that alone would be restitution enough! I told him I would think about, talk to my doctors about it. When murder is on one's mind, you're not in any mood for leniency.
In the Play Countess Kathleen, Yeats writes, "The light of lights looks always on the motive, not the deed. The shadow of shadows on the deed alone." In the battle between good and evil that rages within us, God is interested in our motives - the reasons why we did what we did, for that is where our sins can usually be found. Satan is only interested in the dirty deed itself - for it is in the deed that he finds satisfaction as we expose our sinful and sinister weaknesses by our actions.
Maggie's deed is despicable, her motive nothing but hatred and revenge, which are without merit or just cause. My guess is that mt belongings were thrown away in jovial jubilation - as sickening retribution for her mother breaking her back while trying to move my bureau over Memorial Day. A year from now I may think that this is a worthwhile trade-off, but not today. Cruelty is never right, never justified. Maggie has allowed herself to be caught by the wickedness and snares of the devil, she has done his dirty deeds. Everything is gone, destroyed with disdain. Her heart filled with contempt, mine crushed to pieces. Anger and hatred are combustible components that can drive you to do something you will later regret - or they can drive you mad.
God, to think there was a time when I loved her, thought she was special. What a fool I was, still am. One of the problems of life is that love doesn't disappear as quickly and as easily as hate appears, what once was held dear now brings only tears.
Maggie's actions are beyond comprehension - my emotions are at war but my mind is numb. My internal battle needs a cease fire, I need to wave the white flag and surrender. I need peace of mind and must rest my wretched and weary bones and being. I have been defeated and have lost everything. Maggie has claimed the spoils of war and I am left with only turmoil.
Some words from the prayer of Saint Francis: "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there despair, hope; where there is darkness. light; where there is sadness, joy."
Saint Francis, I am drowning in a sea of ravaging and ruinous reality - so, rescue me, rescue me.
6:30pm - My Parents Cottage - Sandwich, MA
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