September 20, 1994
"As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being."
Carl Jung
Last week I called the Massachusetts Bar Association and asked if they could recommend a lawyer that could help me? After I explained my situation and finances, they gave me the name of a lawyer in Harwichport. Late yesterday afternoon I met with Brian and he is a godsend - a guardian angel I so desperately need. When I told him about my dubious, defective and demented lawyer, we both laughed. I then told him about Maggie and my possessions still at the house - and told him about my severe indebtedness and lack of income. I also told him about my depression and suicide attempt. When I finished he offered to me for a minimal fee which was a lot lower than I expected.
He then said that he would deal with my possessions first and then the bankruptcy - and that I should send him a list of all my possessions that I can think of that are still at the house. Before leaving he assured me that he would do his best for me and he advised me to stop worrying about the problems we discussed. He said this with such genuine concern, full of kindness and gentleness, that I cried - tears of relief, tears of joy, tears of thanksgiving.
When I got back to Sandwich I spent the next three hours thinking and compiling my list of belongings. When it was finished it was eight pages long. This morning I mailed it to Brian. Time will soon tell whether I'm still the owner of my possessions or if Maggie got pissed off and threw everything away.
Brian has not been the only angel that has entered my life during the past ten days. Last Monday I picked-up applications for food stamps and fuel assistance. After spending Monday and Tuesday night filling out the forms and getting copies of all the documentation that was required, I decided to take Wednesday off from the aftercare program and go to the welfare office in Falmouth.
On Wednesday morning I mailed my fuel assistance application off to Plymouth and before heading to Falmouth, I stopped at the Sandwich Food Pantry. After filling out a simple application and answering a few basic questions, I was told I was eligible - and received three bags of groceries which is the amount I'll be able to receive each month. Never before have cans of soup and tuna, boxes of pasta and macaroni and cheese and jars of peanut and jelly meant so much to me. And never before have I felt so low, so worthless as a person - for I have become a bleak but benevolent beggar.
After waiting about an hour at the welfare office, my named was called and I met Joyce, my case manager. She reviewed my application and documentation and the asked why I wasn't working? I told her about my divorce, depression and suicide attempt - and the aftercare program at the Cape Psych Center. After a few questions, she approved my application - I'll be getting about a hundred dollars worth of food stamps a month.
Joyce then asked if I had applied for Social Security Disability Insurance? I told her I never heard of it, didn't know what it was. She then explained it to me and told me I might be eligible - and asked if I had time now to stop by the Social Security Office, which was about a mile away? When I told her I had time, she picked up the phone and call Social Security and made arrangements for me to meet with Karen.
My meeting with Karen lasted over an hour. She asked me a lot of direct and pointed questions about my depression, suicidal thoughts, phobias, therapy, diagnosis and medications - when I last worked and what goals were? I answered and explained the best I could and told her my only goal is to somehow get through the day - to somehow survive today so that I can see tomorrow. When the interview was finished she gave me a thick application and a long list of the documentation that was required. I told her I was overwhelmed by all the paperwork and that I didn't think I was capable of completing it. She said if I did just a little bit each day, I could have it completed in a week or so - and that if I had difficulty, she would help me and guide me through the process. What can I say about Karen, except that she was genuine, generous and gracious.
During the last ten days three guardian have entered my life - Brian, Joyce and Karen. It is said that you should find happiness wherever you can and in these three angelic souls of kindness, goodness and compassion, I have found happiness - for they have sparked a flickering, kindling light in my deep and dark being.
8:00pm - Sandwich Library - Sandwich, MA
contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com
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