What Was I Thinking?

What was I thinking after all that I have lived through? When I was 11 years old, my grandfather, my best friend and hero, killed himself. I rained tears of sadness and sorrow. Twelve years later my girlfriend kissed me and whispered, "Tom, I love you." The next day she killed herself. I rained tears of sadness and sorrow.

Since then I have lost childhood friends, former classmates, neighbors and acquaintances to suicide. And I have seen their families, with broken hearts and shattered souls, rain tears of sadness and sorrow.

Yet with all my experiences of knowing the damaging and devastating effects suicide has on loved ones, decades ago I lost all desire to live and made a serious attempt to kill myself. I ended up in ICU, in a coma and on life support. My family rained tearsd of sadness and sorrow.

What was I thinking? The simple answer is, I wasn't - I just wanted to die. The most difficult answer is, leading up to my attempt I never once thought of my family and was completely unaware of the consequences of how my death would affect them.

And I believe this is true in most suicides. Because what I have learned is that a suicidal mind is a closed, self-centered mind, lost within a black hole and only focused on the pain within and the desperate desire for relief. As loved ones rain tears of sadness and sorrow.

And I still wonder, what was I thinking after all that I have lived through?

Contact: fortheheartcries@gmail.com

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