For The Heart Cries

October 21, 1994 "In the face of uncertainty there is nothing wrong with hope."                                                  Bernie Siegel There is a popular phrase that states, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." I must begin my life again. I need to start my life over, move beyond the past and live peacefully in the present - while looking optimistically towards the future. For the past five months I've been struggling to survive, absent of hope, empty of love. During these times of difficulty, I have come to believe that hope and love are our most precious virtues- hope the sweet fragrance of life, love is life's mysterious and glamorous flower. There have been some days when hope has been in my heart and the luster of love has stirred my soul. But all to often these feelings are quickly extinguished, only to reappear a few days later....

October 12, 1994 Columbus Day "You do not see your life having a happy ending."                Doctor David Daniels - My Psychologist Years ago this day was a holiday, a celebration of Columbus and the discovery of America - now it is celebrated the second Monday of the month. I wonder how many school kids know the historical significance of this date - probably very few. When I was a kid I used to spend this day playing football in my back yard and going to an afternoon movie. Now it is just another day of the week, just another date on the calendar. I am grateful to have Doctor Daniels as my psychologist. He understand me and he can be remarkably insightful. A few hours ago as I whaled away about Maggie and my possessions and about all the misery and mayhem in my life, he stopped me cold when he said, "Tom. you do not see your life having a happy ending." I told him I wasn't thinking that far ahead, but given the past and present circum...

October 4, 1994 Feast of Saint Francis "The essence of pure evil is to dress the Archangel of Satan in the white robes of goodness and mercy."                                                           Robert Ludlum - The Scorpio Illusion I am full of anger and hatred, inflamed rage and fury.  I think for the first time in my life I could actually kill someone, commit cold blooded murder - and honestly believe God would look the other way and think I did the right thing, proper and justified. That's a fact! What a story that would make -  "Read all about it! Film at eleven!" A few minutes ago Brian, my lawyer, called me. He said that he just heard from Rose, Maggie's attorney - and that all my remaining possessions were either thrown away or given away. Everything's gone! My bedroom set, bookcases, clothes, coats, ...

September 29, 1994 Feast of Saint Michael "Saint Michael, Archangel, defend me in this day of battle, protect me against the wickedness and snares of the devil."                                  Prayer of Saint Michael From my very first day of school at Saint Gregory's in Boston when I was five years old until my last day their eight years later, every morning began with the recitation of the prayer to Saint Michael - and I've been saying it every morning since, for the Sister of Notre Dame taught me well. From the time I first learned this prayer, I have looked upon Saint Michael as my guardian and protector. He has always been there for me but I am always letting him down, by ignoring the advice of my good conscience and allowing myself to snared by the devil's wickedness, choosing evil over good, such are my weaknesses. Fifteen years ago today, Mary and I woke-up in the Milltown Gue...

September 27, 1994 "The general outlook is not that a person has died but that the person has lived."              William Buchanan - On writing obituaries in the Boston Globe. Today was once a day of life and also a day of death. My father was born on this day in 1922. Although my grandpa Frawley died on September 26, 1057, his body wasn't found until the early morning hours of the 27th - and I was told of his death later that morning that my best friend in the whole world had died. Since then I have always remembered him on the 27th rather than on 26th because it was on this day my heart was broken - on this day part of me died. From now on this will be a day of death, a day of remembrance - a day of prayers, yearning and sadness. In years past the unhappy memories of this day were always offset by the joy's of my dad's birthday - but this day is no longer one of celebration and merriment, of gifts and surprises. It has become a day with no p...

September 20, 1994 "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being."                                   Carl Jung Last week I called the Massachusetts Bar Association and asked if they could recommend a lawyer that could help me? After I explained my situation and finances, they gave me the name of a lawyer in Harwichport.  Late yesterday afternoon I met with Brian and he is a godsend - a guardian angel I so desperately need. When I told him about my dubious, defective and demented lawyer, we both laughed. I then told him about Maggie and my possessions still at the house - and told him about my severe indebtedness and lack of income. I also told him about my depression and suicide attempt. When I finished he offered to me for a minimal fee which was a lot lower than I expected. He then said that he would deal with my possessi...

September 10, 1994 "We find a place for what we lose. Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else."                                                           Sigmund Freud This has been a year of loses, my marriage to Maggie, my home and love, Andy and Yoyo, my entire life as I knew it to be. I almost loss my life and now my father is gone. In time I may find someone to love again, to hold and kiss goodnight. I may get another dog or cat and once again have a home. But a father can never be replaced nor the gap filled by someone or something else. The disbelief of my father's death has given way to sadness - a sorrow ...